I’ve seen a glimpse of you. I know you’re real, the beast inside that threatens to destroy the potential and good inside of me. You cannot fool me. I know you for what you are – a fraud – and you can never trick me again with your warm words. Despite your compelling arguments and seemingly insurmountable strength, I know you’re really weak. You’re just a mental fragment that has been of no service to me other than to tell me “I’m not good enough”. You’ve been of no benefit to me and you will have no life in me. It’s time for you to die.
Not only that, but you’re always attacking the good parts of me. You tell me I’m not smart enough, not motivated enough, not talented enough. You say what I do sucks and that I can’t make a change. You’ve lulled me into believing everything is fine just as it is. You’ve told me that my good days are bad days, my friends are not really friends, and that everything I’ve ever gotten was luck. And most of all, you’ve violated my dreams and painted pictures in my head of a future where there is no possibility of better days.
Into my inner most chambers, you’ve put hate into my heart and have poisoned my most treasured relationships. You’ve made me neglect my body, diet, and spirituality. You’ve closed my mind and heart to the good things of this world. You’ve made me lazy and have moved my attention to less-than-productive activities and subjects. You’ve wasted hours upon hours, days upon days of my time. You’ve made me lounge about by sleep too little, sleep too much, or just doing absolutely nothing.
And you know what? I’m tired. Scratch that – I’m not tired, I’m bored of the games you play and the lies you tell me. I’m bored of being told I’m not good enough. I’m bored of your words of failure, rejection, and loser. I’m bored of being lonely and afraid. I’m bored of all the petty drama. I’m bored of the mediocre. I want more.
I know that I am better than this. I know I have better potential. I know there will be brighter days. I know that the world is more caring and loving than you’ve led me to believe. I know that I can be smart, passionate, funny, bold, and happy beyond anything you could ever imagine. I know I have gifts of my own, talents that need tending, and time that I can give. Most of all, at the deepest level of my heart, I know that I am truly a good person.
With a full heart and a determined effort, I will dissolve you. As I see now I’m not mad at you, but I am tired. I accept what you’ve done to me, but I want to have a change. I want to be able to be happy, laugh loudly, and walk proudly. I want to feel great in my own skin and be full of life. I want to have self-respect and earn the good graces of the world. I want to rekindle the love in my heart and in those around me. I want to feel deserving of love and joy. I want to craft a fantastic life of my own design. And it starts today. It’s time for the beast to sleep and let the real me emerge into the light. Say hello to the new me.
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